You Can Change How You Are Being, But You Can’t Change Who You Are
There’s a phrase that’s been living in my spirit lately: You can change how you are being, but you can’t change who you are.
I’ve been reflecting on the current climate and my early days working in corporate. I was a young Black intern at a major financial institution—ambitious, eager, and confronting for the first time what it meant to be the only in the room. The only Black person. The only intern who didn’t come from an Ivy League school. I found myself constantly scanning, constantly adjusting—my voice, my laughter, my clothes, my shoes, my hair. I learned to mirror the room before I learned to trust myself in it. I wasn’t trying to be fake—I was trying to assimilate. I was trying to change who I was.
Sociology has a term for this: impression management—the process by which we attempt to influence how others perceive us. It’s a natural part of social life. But when it’s layered with race, class, gender, and cultural expectations, it often stops being about connection and starts becoming about survival. The pressure to assimilate—to shrink, to code-switch, to silence parts of ourselves—can be so pervasive that we forget what’s authentic and what’s performative.
As I progressed in my career, I was fortunate to receive mentorship that didn’t just sharpen my skills, but reminded me of my worth. I began to understand that the very things I had once tried to mute—my accent, my style, my nappy roots, my perspective as a first-generation Jamaican-American raised in Southside Jamaica, Queens—were actually my superpowers. I learned how to lead without leaving myself behind. Shout out to the M.O.S.A.I.C. women from the Federal Reserve. ^_^
And so this is what I know to be true: Who you are is not something you grow out of—it’s something you grow into. Who you are is the rhythm in your walk, the legacy in your name, the way you problem-solve from lived experience. It’s your values, your culture, your instincts, your joy. It’s your perspective—shaped by your parents’ sacrifices, your grandparents’ wisdom, and your community’s rhythm. That core? That’s the source of your power.
Culture often tells us that success requires erasure. And many institutions are still structured to reward sameness over authenticity—often disguised as valuing “culture fit.” But there’s deep value in culture add—recognizing the richness that comes from people who expand, challenge, and diversify the culture rather than simply mirror it.
The most powerful leaders I’ve known are those who have learned to integrate—who’ve done the work to refine how they show up, while fiercely protecting who they are at their core. They lead with self-awareness and intentionality. They know when to adjust without abandoning themselves. They seek feedback not just to fit in, but to grow in alignment with their values. They build systems that center diversity, equity, and inclusion, even when it means questioning long-standing norms or confronting freshly packaged policies that perpetuate exclusion under the guise of fairness. 👀 They create room for others to be fully seen, valued, and heard.
For young professionals just stepping into spaces where they may feel pressure to shrink or blend in, I offer you this simple acronym to stay grounded in your truth:
C.O.R.E.
C – Competence breeds Confidence
When your manager gives you a project, it’s not about being perfect—it’s about asking smart questions, doing the research, and showing you’re committed to the craft. Strengthen your skills and understanding.
O – Own who you are
When you’re the only one in the room who grew up like you did—remember, that’s not a flaw, it’s your edge. Your identity, story, and values are not liabilities—they’re your superpowers.
R – Refine how you show up
That means listening, reading the room, and adapting with purpose—without twisting yourself out of shape to fit in. Lead with intelligence, not performance.
E – Empower others
If you’ve figured out how to navigate something, share the playbook. Each one, teach one. When you show up fully, you give others permission to do the same.
Now, what does your C.O.R.E. look like in action?
You can—and should—grow. But you don’t have to abandon yourself in the process. Because you can change how you are being, but you can’t—and shouldn’t—change who you are.
With Love,
Peta-Gay
C.O.R.E. ™
CoreDecoded ™
CORE Leadership ™
